wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
