i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
