do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
