she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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