just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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