before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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