Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
