do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
