That's when you crack a 10am beer
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
