awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
