Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
