It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
