When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
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