i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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