I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
