my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Randomize
