So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
