I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
