There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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