I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
