i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
