We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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