The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize