her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
