She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
