Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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