No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
