there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
