He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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