i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
