Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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