I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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