Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
