If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
