a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
