I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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