If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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