Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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