11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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