ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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