There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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