i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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