there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
