you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
