The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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