i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
