The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
