"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
