My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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