Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
