I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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