a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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