i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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