Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
