Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
