She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
