Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
