hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
