It's like God shit irony all over that family
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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