The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
