I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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