my phone needs a breathalizer
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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