How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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