my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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